Hi, its great to see you here again!

A few weeks ago I took some time to chat with some young friends about their perspective and experiences on what they considered to be the ideal relationship between teens and parents.

We came up with 8 things to do that will help you enjoy a good relationship with your teenager, and 7 things not to do. You can find the 8 things to DO here and here.

Trust, Respect and Love.
First of all, a good relationship with anyone is based on trust, respect (courtesy), and love (the real definition of love that is). Of course relating to your teenager is no exception. All of the things to do and not to do with your teen are based on these basic attributes.

So let’s take a look at some of the things they were saying not to do.

The first thing we should NOT do with our teenagers:

Don’t Argue.

Your teenager is constantly changing. That is normal. Their brain and body is still developing and this changes the way they see things. So it may well be that today their perspective is in one direction and next week they see things in an entirely different light. That is the challenge and thrill of life with a teenager.

Hence it is to be expected that you will not see eye to eye with your teen all of the time. At times it may even seem like you can never agree on anything.

But then, let’s face it, do you see eye to eye with anyone 100 percent of the time. Of course you don’t. Why?

• We are all created differently.
• We all have different ways of thinking.
• We have all walked through different experiences and so have different perspectives on things.
• We are all at different stages of development (yes some of us are still children in adult bodies).
• We all have different strengths and weaknesses of character.

Many parents are often tempted to argue with their teens (and with their younger children).

Why is this? In fact why do we argue at all? Well that is actually another category and we will certainly be addressing this subject in depth on this blog.

The short answer to why you may tend to argue with your teen is:

• You are losing control. (Your teen is growing up and preparing to leave the nest in a few short years. You may be consciously or unconsciously aware of this and a little apprehensive).
• A good relationship is based on releasing each person to be who they really are (not who you want them to be). Do you “need” your teenager to be someone they were not created to be or perhaps not yet capable of being? (Remember your teenager is STILL in the development stage)
• You are insecure and therefore you only surround yourself with people who agree with you. Anyone who disagrees with you is a threat to your security. Your teenager is no longer answering you with a simple “yes” or “no”.
• A good relationship is built on diversity. Opposites attract.

  Your teen now has some ideas of his or her own that conflict with your ideals.

  Actually these ideas are not new. They have been developing throughout all of their childhood. It is just that now they are entering adulthood they are perhaps daring to express them.

• A good relationship is built on trust. Trust is one of the bridges that opens up good communication. Trust needs to be built in the family from day one. However it is never too late to start building.
• You are afraid they will get hurt or get in with the wrong group. (Perhaps they are already “hanging out” with the wrong group and so you are trying to protect them).

  Again a good relationship is based on trust. Fear destroys trust.

• Perhaps your teenager has made a declaration or statement that threatened you, brought fear to your heart or even hurt you, Even so arguing with them is not going to help. It will only create a barrier between you or widen an already existing barrier.

So what can you do when you hear something coming from your teenager that causes you fear, hurt or is a threat to you in some way?

1. First of all – Act, never react.
2. When you feel the urge to argue, stop, take a deep breath and THINK.
3. Calmly discuss the situation. When you take time to discuss a situation or incident, you are showing that you care for THEM. When you simply argue over the situation, you are showing that YOU and YOUR ideas and feelings matter more than anything or anyone else.
4. Calmly point out the consequences (if you feel or see there may be some negative outcomes).
5. When the discussion is over, RELEASE your teenager to make his or her own decision.

** Be prepared to support (NOT judge) if the outcome of their decision is negative.

** Make sure you also praise when the outcome is positive.

Have fun with your teen. Enjoy these years – they won’t be repeated (with this child anyway) and above all –

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

Of course a lot of these principles can also be applied to your relationship with your younger children as well.

I know you have a lot to add to this article from your own experience. Please let us hear from you! Thanks!