These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the seventh tip that was named is:

Don’t Give Up!
I recently asked some young friends what a successful relationship between teens and parents looks like from their perspective. We came up with a list of 8 tips for parents to do (see this list here), and then went on to think about things not to do. As we were going over a list of “donts” with a grin they added “And don’t give up on us”.

I have thought about that comment for the past week or so as I have been writing these posts about relating to your teenager.

• Are you tempted to give up on your teen?
• Have you found yourself in despair, wondering “what you did wrong”, as you see your teen taking a different path than what you had hoped they would take?
• Do you find it difficult to communicate with your teenager?

If any of these things sound remotely familiar to you, here are some things that will help you to ride these challenging years. They don’t have to be difficult, they can be years filled with fun and adventure.

Remember, your son or daughter is now developing into a young adult. This means:

1. They are finding their own feet.
2. They are checking out many things they were taught as children and will come to their own conclusions.
3. They need to face life with their own heart felt faith, their own standards.
4. They may seem to be straying from the values they were taught as children as they explore different areas of life for themselves, but don’t despair. They WILL be ok.

Remember Peter Marshall?He was an imigrant from Scotland, who ended up becoming Chaplain of the United States. During his earlier years, he took a “detour” from his faith to explore the areas of the physic much to the horror of his wife and close friends. However it was not long before his was convinced for HIMSELF, as to where this area belonged in relationship to his life and faith. His curiosity was satisfied and his faith was stronger. If you have not read “A Man Called Peter” I highly recommend that you do.

So don’t despair. Your teen will come back to the values and morals that they were taught as a child, especially if you keep the lines of communication as open as you can, and offer them a LOT of UNCONDITIONAL love. Proverbs 22:6 assures us: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

During this time of development into adulthood:

• Love unconditionally, but be firm when neccesary.
• Seek to understand, not judge.
• Seek to be their friend, but don’t intrude.
• Seek opportunities to enjoy fellowship with them over a meal, coffee and favorite restaurant.
• Take an interest in the things they are interested in.

Do these things now, and throughout their life and you WILL be able to enjoy a successful relationship with your sons and daughters.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the fifth tip that was named is:

Don’t Antagonize Your Teenager.
Remember your teenager is going through a lot of changes already and because of this there may be some strange emotions pop up from time to time. There may even be some “out of character” moments as they are trying to find their own feet in this world.

There are three main definitions of the word antagonize found in the dictionary.

1. Provoke hostility.
Each one of us has some “buttons” somewhere. You know, those areas in our lives that someone can inadvertantly touch that causes us to explode or react in some not so normal way. Your teenager also has some very sensitive buttons. His or her buttons will very likely be more even more sensitive because of all the new things they are grappling with.

It may well take you some time and a little “trial and error” to find the right communication that will help you to avoid these buttons that will provoke hostility.

Rememer, patience and love will always win out.

One thing is certain, any unjustified or unreasonable reaction towards your teen may certainly cause hostility. The complication here is the reaction only has to be perceived as unreasonable for the hostility to show up.

What can you do to avoid provoking hostility?

1. Listen first then speak. Listening will help you to discover what your son or daughter is really feeling or going through.
2. Listening will also help you to discover what your teen may be perceiving in the situation you are facing (whether their perception is right or wrong, it is equally important to them). Because you listened you will have a better chance of correcting that wrong perception. (Do this gently).
3. Treat your youngster with the same respect you would any other friend of yours (well I hope you do treat all your friends with respect).

2. Annoy or irritate.
Again, because of the changes your teen is going through there is likely to be some new things that will annoy them. I call them “new things” because they may well be things that your son or daughter tolerated as a child.

Sources of annoyance or irritation could include things like:

• You walk into their room without knocking.
• You still treat them as your “baby”. Hey, they are grown up now, at least they think they are.
• You try to pry into their private lives more than they invite you to.
• There are a whole lot more I am sure you could add. Please share them and other experiences you have with your teenagers below in the comments.

3. Act in opposition.
Your teen needs to know that you are on their side in everything. Of course that will not always mean you always agree with them, but at least you agree to listen and try to understand. This will give you the right to offer suggestions and guidance.

If you try to oppose any decision with arguments or worst still with anger, you will lose them. In fact this can be one of the quickest ways to lose them.

The longest way is usually the right way. Trying to take shortcuts especially in any relationship is probably going to get you into trouble.

Shortcuts would definitely include arguing and anything else that is designed to try and force an issue. Force will never get you anywhere but into trouble.

Any communication which includes force, arguing, demanding, anger, resentment and a whole host of other negative emotions will always end with a worse situation than you started with. Of course you don’t want to do that.

Some keys to good communication are:

• Be gentle – no trying to force or demand an answer.
• Be patient – wait until they are ready to talk.
• Be respectful – your teenager deserves the same respect you would show to all your friends and other members of your family.
• Be kind – a little kindness can go a long way in all of our communications
• Be loving – above all, love never fails.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and threatening was definitely named as one of the things NOT to do with your teenager. So tip number 2 is:

Never threaten them.

In the last article we looked at arguing. Arguing is never a way to create a healthy relationship with anyone, let alone a teenager who is already facing a lot of changes and complications in life.

Another thing that will be sure to irritate a teenager is to threaten them. (Well threatening will provoke most anyone to anger right?). So number 2, of the 7 things not to do is:

Don’t Threaten

When your teenager does or says something you don’t like, feel uncomfortable about or even worse highly concerned about, how you you react?

Don’t you dare do that or I will …. Mm, how many times have you said that to one of your friends, children, teenagers or spouse?

Does threatening work? Of course not! It is a very negative approach to any situation.

Let’s think about it for a second. When someone tries to hold a threat over you, how do you react? Everyone does have different ways of responding to situations, but in this case I am positive that all reactions would be negative no matter how they are expressed.

I am sure you would not ever react positively to a threat (at least not in your heart). I know I would not. You might be like the little boy who said “I am standing up as you asked, but I am sitting down in my heart”.

So was he really standing or sitting? That’s a good question. (Passive rebellion is a subject we will cover in a later article).

So what does trying to threaten our teenager, (or children or anyone else) actually achieve? Nothing positive actually. Here are some reactions that threatening a teenager will provoke.

1. It can be taken as a dare.

   So if I really do this, you will stop me from going out with my friends for a week? Let’s see if you can!

2. It can provoke curiosity and an opportunity for the threatened one to test the boundaries.

   Will you REALLY do this?

3. Threatening will provoke rebellion.

   Rebellion is described as refusal to accept some authority or code or convention. Threatening a teenager will definitely stir up rebellion in them. Remember they are already in a transition period full of all kinds of changes.

   They are learning to think for themselves more than ever as they enter into adulthood. They need to be allowed to think for themselves with adult guidance but NOT control.

4. Threatening is a manipulative action.

   What you are really trying to do is control the other person. Teenagers will see right through that one (so will most children) and usually react very negatively.

5. Threatening is a good way to start an argument.

   Arguments usually do not end with any solution. Instead they normally end with ill feelings, bitterness and even with one of the parties walking out in anger.

If you have not already read the Eight things you can DO to help build the relationship between you as a parent and your teen, you can find them here

I know you have a lot to add to this article from your own experience. Please let us hear from you! Thanks!

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

We came up with 8 things to do that will help you enjoy a good relationship with your teenager, and 7 things not to do. You can find the 8 things to DO here and here.

Trust, Respect and Love.
First of all, a good relationship with anyone is based on trust, respect (courtesy), and love (the real definition of love that is). Of course relating to your teenager is no exception. All of the things to do and not to do with your teen are based on these basic attributes.

So let’s take a look at some of the things they were saying not to do.

The first thing we should NOT do with our teenagers:

Don’t Argue.

Your teenager is constantly changing. That is normal. Their brain and body is still developing and this changes the way they see things. So it may well be that today their perspective is in one direction and next week they see things in an entirely different light. That is the challenge and thrill of life with a teenager.

Hence it is to be expected that you will not see eye to eye with your teen all of the time. At times it may even seem like you can never agree on anything.

But then, let’s face it, do you see eye to eye with anyone 100 percent of the time. Of course you don’t. Why?

• We are all created differently.
• We all have different ways of thinking.
• We have all walked through different experiences and so have different perspectives on things.
• We are all at different stages of development (yes some of us are still children in adult bodies).
• We all have different strengths and weaknesses of character.

Many parents are often tempted to argue with their teens (and with their younger children).

Why is this? In fact why do we argue at all? Well that is actually another category and we will certainly be addressing this subject in depth on this blog.

The short answer to why you may tend to argue with your teen is:

• You are losing control. (Your teen is growing up and preparing to leave the nest in a few short years. You may be consciously or unconsciously aware of this and a little apprehensive).
• A good relationship is based on releasing each person to be who they really are (not who you want them to be). Do you “need” your teenager to be someone they were not created to be or perhaps not yet capable of being? (Remember your teenager is STILL in the development stage)
• You are insecure and therefore you only surround yourself with people who agree with you. Anyone who disagrees with you is a threat to your security. Your teenager is no longer answering you with a simple “yes” or “no”.
• A good relationship is built on diversity. Opposites attract.

  Your teen now has some ideas of his or her own that conflict with your ideals.

  Actually these ideas are not new. They have been developing throughout all of their childhood. It is just that now they are entering adulthood they are perhaps daring to express them.

• A good relationship is built on trust. Trust is one of the bridges that opens up good communication. Trust needs to be built in the family from day one. However it is never too late to start building.
• You are afraid they will get hurt or get in with the wrong group. (Perhaps they are already “hanging out” with the wrong group and so you are trying to protect them).

  Again a good relationship is based on trust. Fear destroys trust.

• Perhaps your teenager has made a declaration or statement that threatened you, brought fear to your heart or even hurt you, Even so arguing with them is not going to help. It will only create a barrier between you or widen an already existing barrier.

So what can you do when you hear something coming from your teenager that causes you fear, hurt or is a threat to you in some way?

1. First of all – Act, never react.
2. When you feel the urge to argue, stop, take a deep breath and THINK.
3. Calmly discuss the situation. When you take time to discuss a situation or incident, you are showing that you care for THEM. When you simply argue over the situation, you are showing that YOU and YOUR ideas and feelings matter more than anything or anyone else.
4. Calmly point out the consequences (if you feel or see there may be some negative outcomes).
5. When the discussion is over, RELEASE your teenager to make his or her own decision.

** Be prepared to support (NOT judge) if the outcome of their decision is negative.

** Make sure you also praise when the outcome is positive.

Have fun with your teen. Enjoy these years – they won’t be repeated (with this child anyway) and above all –

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

Of course a lot of these principles can also be applied to your relationship with your younger children as well.

I know you have a lot to add to this article from your own experience. Please let us hear from you! Thanks!

Here are four tips that will help you avoid the frenzy and enjoy the fun.

1. Do trust your young adults.
I had to laugh at the comment I received on this one. “Do trust your teenager, but don’t forget he/she is still just 16 years old”.

Although it came across as a little funny, this comment carries excellent wisdom. In other words do not let them have the upper hand.

2. Do restrain
Here is where you as a parent are also following a learning curve. The trick is to allow freedom, yet with some restraint.

One definite time to restrain would be when there is potential harm, or life changing consequences of a decision your teen is about to make.

And do check up on them.

I asked my young friend’s opinion on parents calling a friend’s home to make sure their teenagers really did go to visit “Johnny”. The answer actually surprised me. It was a definite “YES”, parents should definitely check up on their teens.

3. Do involve.
Your teen may be a little more independent than they were a few years ago, but he/she is still a part of your family. As a young adult, they should now be even more able to participate in family discussions, and even contribute to the solving of some family problems.

Note: I did NOT say, “contribute to the solving of any marital problems” Children should NEVER be dragged into marital disputes.

Above all:

4. Do continue to believe the best of your teen.
Love believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love never fails. This comes from the famous chapter in the Bible that best describes what love is, 1 Corinthians 13.

Your teenager WILL respond to your guidance much better if he/she senses that you DO believe in him/her. This is vital and will greatly contribute to your enjoying a successful relationship with your teen.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

I know you have a lot to share – please let us hear from you below. Thanks!

They were eager to answer the questions I had for them. In fact I noticed that they enjoyed their participation in this project. I am thankful too for their input.

Teenage years can be difficult even traumatic for both the youngsters and their parents, but they don’t have to be.

Between us we came up with some “Does” and “Don’ts” which I trust will be helpful for you if you are walking through this stage of life with your children.

All of these suggestions have the approval of my young companions. First we noted:

Eight things you can DO to help build and maintain the relationship between you as a parent and your teen.

This will be a two part article. You will find the first 4 things below and on Friday 20th, 2009 the remaining 4 things you can do will be published.

1. Do discuss (calmly and reasonably)
Remember your teenager is no longer a child (even though at times their behavior may not show it). They need to be treated as young adults.

This means the time for telling your son or daughter is now OVER. It is no longer appropriate to do that. They are now well able to think for themselves, and make their own choices as scary as this may seem.

Of course they still need your guidance, but there is a big difference between guiding and driving. Sometimes young children may need to be driven, but young adults can only be guided. (Sure, sometimes they may need a slightly heavy hand, but if you brought them up to this stage correctly, they will listen to reason).

This means sitting down with them and discussing the pros and cons of situations as you would with any adult.

2. Do point out the consequences.
When you are discussing a situation with your teenager, make sure you point out the consequences of an action you suspect he/she may be planning.

This way, if they do decide to go ahead, they will do so with their eyes open. When it is time to face the consequences they won’t be able to say: “But I did not know that”.

3. Do allow choices.
As hard as this may be, it is time now to release your son or daughter to learn some things in life by themselves. They may have to learn the hard way sometimes.

When they do make a wrong choice, step back and let them learn by experience.

Remember experience is the best teacher. Make sure you are “there” for them if they fall and need a hand up.

(No, that does not mean bailing them out of jail or paying their bills).

4. Do dine together as a family.
This comment was volunteered by one of my young coworkers. How important family time is, especially in this day and age. Family member’s schedules can be crazy, and the temptation is to just leave a pot of stew on the stove for everyone to help themselves as they come in.

While there may be times when this may be necessary, families need time together. There is nothing like dining together when everyone is a little more relaxed and not preoccupied with TV, homework or some other chore.

This can be a time of sharing, fellowship and even discussion of matters that involve everyone. So DO try and make sure that as many times a week as possible, your family gets to dine together.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

You can find more tips on how to Win Your Teenagers and Influence them right here.

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

I know you have a lot to share. Please tell us about your thoughts and experiences below. Thanks!