Successful Relationships » teen

Never Give Up On Your Teen!

Yuli — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 04:23:25 +0000

This is the seventh article of the series Teenage Years – Parent’s Adventure or Nightmare. How you can embrace the adventure and stay away from the nightmare.

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the seventh tip that was named is:

Don’t Give Up!
I recently asked some young friends what a successful relationship between teens and parents looks like from their perspective. We came up with a list of 8 tips for parents to do (see this list here), and then went on to think about things not to do. As we were going over a list of “donts” with a grin they added “And don’t give up on us”.

I have thought about that comment for the past week or so as I have been writing these posts about relating to your teenager.

Are you tempted to give up on your teen?
Have you found yourself in despair, wondering “what you did wrong”, as you see your teen taking a different path than what you had hoped they would take?
Do you find it difficult to communicate with your teenager?

If any of these things sound remotely familiar to you, here are some things that will help you to ride these challenging years. They don’t have to be difficult, they can be years filled with fun and adventure.

Remember, your son or daughter is now developing into a young adult. This means:

They are finding their own feet.
They are checking out many things they were taught as children and will come to their own conclusions.
They need to face life with their own heart felt faith, their own standards.
They may seem to be straying from the values they were taught as children as they explore different areas of life for themselves, but don’t despair. They WILL be ok.

Remember Peter Marshall?He was an imigrant from Scotland, who ended up becoming Chaplain of the United States. During his earlier years, he took a “detour” from his faith to explore the areas of the physic much to the horror of his wife and close friends. However it was not long before his was convinced for HIMSELF, as to where this area belonged in relationship to his life and faith. His curiosity was satisfied and his faith was stronger. If you have not read “A Man Called Peter” I highly recommend that you do.

So don’t despair. Your teen will come back to the values and morals that they were taught as a child, especially if you keep the lines of communication as open as you can, and offer them a LOT of UNCONDITIONAL love. Proverbs 22:6 assures us: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

During this time of development into adulthood:

Love unconditionally, but be firm when neccesary.
Seek to understand, not judge.
Seek to be their friend, but don’t intrude.
Seek opportunities to enjoy fellowship with them over a meal, coffee and favorite restaurant.
Take an interest in the things they are interested in.

Do these things now, and throughout their life and you WILL be able to enjoy a successful relationship with your sons and daughters.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

Don’t Smother Your Teenager

Yuli — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:37:58 +0000

This is the fourth article of the series Teenage Years – Parent’s Adventure or Nightmare. How you can embrace the adventure and stay away from the nightmare.

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the fourth tip that was named is:

Don’t Smother Your Teenager.

Smothering is one of the traps many parents fall into with their teenagers.

Your teenagers are undergoing a lot of changes in life as they prepare for adulthood.

Yes I know they may be still your “baby boy” or “baby girl”, to you. However, as hard as it may be for you to face, they are probably not going to want to hear that as much any more, if at all. They certainly don’t want you calling them any such thing in front of their friends.

There are other reactions that may start to show up, or perhaps intensify as they enter these difficult years. You might find yourself facing some serious resistance to any intervention from you in their lives. You may feel they are trying to shut you out of their lives.

Some of this is a normal part of growing up. Your teen is in transition. He or she is now discovering the world for themselves and coming to their own conclusions based on their discoveries.

Don’t worry, if you trained them right when they were children, you can rest assured they WILL (at least in the end) make the right decisions. (Proverbs 22:6)

There is one thing though you want to avoid doing with your teenager and that is to smother them. This will suffocate their growth in one way or another.

Here are 3 ways you may be unconsciously (or consciously) smothering your teenager.

1. Too many restrictions.

Here are some facts:

Teenagers are no longer children, however:
Teenagers are not yet adults, however
Teengers think they are adults.
That does leave you as a parent of a teenager with some perplexities as to how to handle your teen.

There is one thing for sure, what worked with your son or daughter when they were still children will not work now they are growing into adulthood.

Restrictions will now be interpreted as control, and if there is one thing teenagers today are rebelling against it is control.

The best solution is to make sure the communication stays open with your teenager.
Try to allow them to make their own decisions. (As long as communication is good, they WILL listen to your guidance).
Look for ways to gently present them with consequences of any wrong decision you think they are about to make.
Let them learn (the hard way if necessary).
Let them pay the consequences, but make sure they know that your love and moral support is always there.

2. Doing everything for them.
One of the biggest mistakes I see many parents making is doing too much for their teens. All members of your household should have duties to perform. This teaches team work. Your teenager should be no exception. Even though their lifestyle may be changing, they are still a part of your household.

A young adult stepping out into the workforce with a good understanding and experience of team work will be an asset to any company. Conversely a young adult who has no experience of team work can be difficult to work with in the business world.

Here’s another thing I have observed while working (and living) with teens. Those who have overpowering parents tend to seriously lack initiative. This can be very difficult for any leader to work with also.

3. Trying to be a bigger part of their life than they want you to be right now.
It is good to keep communication open with your teenager and definitely you will want to be their friend. BUT that does not mean that you need to try and be involved in EVERYTHING they do. They are at the stage where they want to try some things out for themselves without Mum and Dad around.

Be careful also with trying to be friends with them on Facebook or Twitter. They might take that as interference or spying.

Yes it is GREAT to have family activities where all members of the family are involved. It is a good idea to try and dine together as a family, if not everyday at least several times a week.

BUT it is also a good idea to release your teen to start building their “own life”. If you release them, they will always be a vital part of your life. Even if they do stray for a while as they experiment they WILL come back.

So make sure to simply be their friend
Keep communications open.
Expect the best and of course pray for them. Prayer is the most powerful solution to anything we face in life.

My mother always used to say to my sister and me, “I did not know how to bring you up, so I gave you to God”. We both turned out just fine. Please let us hear of your experiences with you teens (or your own experiences as a teenager).

If you are reading this and you are still a teenager, we certainly want to hear from you. What can we do to best help you?

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

Don’t Punish Us, My Teenage Friends Say

Yuli — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:38:51 +0000

This is the third article of the series Teenage Years – Parent’s Adventure or Nightmare. How you can embrace the adventure and stay away from the nightmare.

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the third tip that was named is:

Don’t Punish.
I have to admit, this suggestion was not my idea. I did not come up with it, they did. Do not punish, they said. They insisted that this should be included in our series.

So where does this leave us parents? I certainly look forward to your comments below.

Here are some thoughts,

We all know and recognize that the teenage years can be a difficult time of life. There are many changes going on both in the bodies and the minds of the youngsters. Here are some of the main things that are happening to your teen:

Your teen is no longer a child
Your teen is not yet an adult – he just thinks he is.
Your teen is old enough to make his (or her) own decisions, BUT they still need guidance.

However, guidance is not control.

Punishing a teenager can send a message to a him (or her) that they are still under the control of their parents. Usually they will rebel against that loud and clear.
Being punished by parents can make them lose face before their peers.
Punishment from parents is likely to create more rebellion which can so easily lead to bitterness in their hearts and definitely a break in their relationship with you.

So what can you do?

Become their friend. Gain and maintain their confidence
Keep the communication lines wide open.
Become “unshockable” (even though you’re not). Try not to show shock to your teenager, no matter what they tell you.
All of these are expressions of love. Love is ALWAYS a major key.
Gently point out the consequences of their decisions.
Step back and allow them to decide.
IMPORTANT: Allow them to pay the price of their decision. DO NOT step in and rescue them. They will not learn anything that way. In other words, if you are not going to interfere with their decision, do not interfere with the results.
Be there to support, but let them pay the price. They have to learn in the same way you and I had to learn. (And let’s face it you and I are still learning from life’s experiences right?).

So in conclusion, let your teenagers discover life for themselves. Be their friend, be available but not overpowering.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

The Teenage Years – Fun or Frenzy

Yuli — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 23:34:01 +0000

We took a look at 4 things you can do that will empower you to win your teenagers and influence them in the previous post. The teenage years can be fun, or they can be a time of frenzy. It really depends how you approach them. It will certainly be time of many changes. The way you relate to your son or daughter who is now becoming an adult will change.

Here are four tips that will help you avoid the frenzy and enjoy the fun.

1. Do trust your young adults.
I had to laugh at the comment I received on this one. “Do trust your teenager, but don’t forget he/she is still just 16 years old”.

Although it came across as a little funny, this comment carries excellent wisdom. In other words do not let them have the upper hand.

2. Do restrain
Here is where you as a parent are also following a learning curve. The trick is to allow freedom, yet with some restraint.

One definite time to restrain would be when there is potential harm, or life changing consequences of a decision your teen is about to make.

And do check up on them.

I asked my young friend’s opinion on parents calling a friend’s home to make sure their teenagers really did go to visit “Johnny”. The answer actually surprised me. It was a definite “YES”, parents should definitely check up on their teens.

3. Do involve.
Your teen may be a little more independent than they were a few years ago, but he/she is still a part of your family. As a young adult, they should now be even more able to participate in family discussions, and even contribute to the solving of some family problems.

Note: I did NOT say, “contribute to the solving of any marital problems” Children should NEVER be dragged into marital disputes.

Above all:

4. Do continue to believe the best of your teen.
Love believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love never fails. This comes from the famous chapter in the Bible that best describes what love is, 1 Corinthians 13.

Your teenager WILL respond to your guidance much better if he/she senses that you DO believe in him/her. This is vital and will greatly contribute to your enjoying a successful relationship with your teen.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

I know you have a lot to share – please let us hear from you below. Thanks!

How To Win Your Teenagers and Influence Them

Yuli — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 01:15:09 +0000

A few days ago there was a period of slack time at work and so I took advantage of this time to ask some questions of my young co-workers who are fresh out of their teens. I decided it would be an interesting exercise to get some ideas from their perspective on their ideal relationship between teens and their parents.

They were eager to answer the questions I had for them. In fact I noticed that they enjoyed their participation in this project. I am thankful too for their input.

Teenage years can be difficult even traumatic for both the youngsters and their parents, but they don’t have to be.

Between us we came up with some “Does” and “Don’ts” which I trust will be helpful for you if you are walking through this stage of life with your children.

All of these suggestions have the approval of my young companions. First we noted:

Eight things you can DO to help build and maintain the relationship between you as a parent and your teen.

This will be a two part article. You will find the first 4 things below and on Friday 20th, 2009 the remaining 4 things you can do will be published.

1. Do discuss (calmly and reasonably)
Remember your teenager is no longer a child (even though at times their behavior may not show it). They need to be treated as young adults.

This means the time for telling your son or daughter is now OVER. It is no longer appropriate to do that. They are now well able to think for themselves, and make their own choices as scary as this may seem.

Of course they still need your guidance, but there is a big difference between guiding and driving. Sometimes young children may need to be driven, but young adults can only be guided. (Sure, sometimes they may need a slightly heavy hand, but if you brought them up to this stage correctly, they will listen to reason).

This means sitting down with them and discussing the pros and cons of situations as you would with any adult.

2. Do point out the consequences.
When you are discussing a situation with your teenager, make sure you point out the consequences of an action you suspect he/she may be planning.

This way, if they do decide to go ahead, they will do so with their eyes open. When it is time to face the consequences they won’t be able to say: “But I did not know that”.

3. Do allow choices.
As hard as this may be, it is time now to release your son or daughter to learn some things in life by themselves. They may have to learn the hard way sometimes.

When they do make a wrong choice, step back and let them learn by experience.

Remember experience is the best teacher. Make sure you are “there” for them if they fall and need a hand up.

(No, that does not mean bailing them out of jail or paying their bills).

4. Do dine together as a family.
This comment was volunteered by one of my young coworkers. How important family time is, especially in this day and age. Family member’s schedules can be crazy, and the temptation is to just leave a pot of stew on the stove for everyone to help themselves as they come in.

While there may be times when this may be necessary, families need time together. There is nothing like dining together when everyone is a little more relaxed and not preoccupied with TV, homework or some other chore.

This can be a time of sharing, fellowship and even discussion of matters that involve everyone. So DO try and make sure that as many times a week as possible, your family gets to dine together.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

You can find more tips on how to Win Your Teenagers and Influence them right here.

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

I know you have a lot to share. Please tell us about your thoughts and experiences below. Thanks!

Initiative Crushers

Yuli — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 03:38:04 +0000

One of the big frustrations a leader or employer can face is to have team members or associates with little or no initiative.

This can be not only frustrating but time consuming for the leader who has to take time to show his member or associate every little common sense detail of a task.

Often the employee or team member is very willing to work, but you have to tell him exactly what to do or it won’t get down. He/she never or rarely takes the initiative to do things without being asked to.

Lack of initiative in a teenager or young adult is usually the result of their creativity not being allowed to fully develop during their childhood.

Some of the things which usually crush initiative are:

Smothering a child. Don’t let your child think for himself ever and they will certainly lack initiative. He/she has learned to let someone else think for him.

DO give them room to make some choices of their own, and DO leave them to make their own decisions where appropriate.
Laughing at their ideas and ways of doing things. Your child will never do things exactly the same way as you do. Of course there is a wrong way to do things, but many duties can be accomplished in several different ways.
If you jeer at your child, making fun of what he/she does, they will soon learn to live in fear of trying to anything without being told to. They will be too afraid to even try taking any initiative to do things on their own.

Do encourage your child at all possible opportunities.

Be tolerant of their mistakes and recognize that they are in development.

If they are doing something completely wrong, gently show them the correct way.

The key is patience.
Asking a child to do something but never really showing them how.
This can happen especially with the second or third child. You may assume they know how to carry out a task and so simply ask them to do it. Also many children (and adults actually) need to be shown more than once how to do something before they grasp it completely.

Young children are always striving to please the adults around them and so many of them will not ask, but simply look at the task in front of them dumbfounded (I have seen this happen).

Sometimes they may try to tackle it and then get scolded because the results were all wrong.

Do take time to make sure your child knows how to complete a duty you ask to carry out. Again, do have patience with them.
Doing everything for your children, instead of stepping back patiently and letting them do some things. I know, it is often easier to do it yourself, but if you don’t let your children try for themselves, they will NEVER really learn.
When a child is just beginning to learn a new skill, he/she may be slow in achieving the task and they may not complete it correctly. This creates a temptation to take over and do it for them. Don’t do that!

Do patiently show them again how to complete the task, and then step back and let them do it.

Did you notice how many times the issue of patience showed up in this article?

Patience is certainly a big key in allowing your child to develop his/her creative skills and initiative.

The development time may at times be demanding, but the rewards will be great. You will be the proud parent of a child who has learned to become a constructive, helpful and creative thinking citizen, an asset to the society around them.