It can be very difficult trying to relate to some folk at times.

However a well founded relationship will always ride the storms, especially when these 5 attributes are in the hearts of the folk involved.

Trust.
This can be a big “issue” for many people. Perhaps you have difficulty trusting because of past betrayals or failures. Trusting again may be a risk, but let’s face it all of life involves risk. If you don’t take any risks, you will not achieve anything.

John Kennedy is quote as saying: “Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”

Do you want to miss the future? I am sure you don’t. Don’t let past failures hinder your present and future joys.

Are you looking for more friends? Make sure you can be trusted. Are you trustworthy?

Respect.
What is respect? The dictionary includes such words as esteem, regard and even honor in its definition of the word respect.

Everyone needs to be loved and respected. One of the benefits of great friendships is that you have someone who genuinely respects and esteems you, no matter what may happen in your life.

Don’t flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Oliver Wendell Holmes

Value
Along with respect, we need to value our friends and relationships.

Each friend represents a world in us; a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only in meeting them that a new world is born. Anais Nin

Without these friends entering our lives we would miss out on a complete part of our own lives. Do you value the part your friends play in your life?

Forgiveness
Someone said it takes maturity to have real friends, and I would agree. Do you?

If you are looking for perfect friends during your journey on this earth, you will be sadly disappointed. Noone is perfect. There was only One perfect Man who every walked this earth.

This means that your friends will sometimes make mistakes and do or say something that may hurt you. This is why it takes maturity to have real friends.

A mature person is able to forgive quickly because they have learned that forgiveness is an attribute of real love.

A friend loves at ALL times (Proverbs 17:17)

Life is too short to spend it with anger, unforgiveness and resentment in our hearts.

Love
We have already mentioned love, and in fact all of the first four attributes are a part of what love really is.

Look out for more posts on this blog about love. There is a series of articles about love being drafted and will be published very soon.

Meanwhile make sure you enjoy your friends, have fun, share the good times and support and encourage in the difficult times.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

Image by EJ Photo on Flickr.

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the seventh tip that was named is:

Don’t Give Up!
I recently asked some young friends what a successful relationship between teens and parents looks like from their perspective. We came up with a list of 8 tips for parents to do (see this list here), and then went on to think about things not to do. As we were going over a list of “donts” with a grin they added “And don’t give up on us”.

I have thought about that comment for the past week or so as I have been writing these posts about relating to your teenager.

• Are you tempted to give up on your teen?
• Have you found yourself in despair, wondering “what you did wrong”, as you see your teen taking a different path than what you had hoped they would take?
• Do you find it difficult to communicate with your teenager?

If any of these things sound remotely familiar to you, here are some things that will help you to ride these challenging years. They don’t have to be difficult, they can be years filled with fun and adventure.

Remember, your son or daughter is now developing into a young adult. This means:

1. They are finding their own feet.
2. They are checking out many things they were taught as children and will come to their own conclusions.
3. They need to face life with their own heart felt faith, their own standards.
4. They may seem to be straying from the values they were taught as children as they explore different areas of life for themselves, but don’t despair. They WILL be ok.

Remember Peter Marshall?He was an imigrant from Scotland, who ended up becoming Chaplain of the United States. During his earlier years, he took a “detour” from his faith to explore the areas of the physic much to the horror of his wife and close friends. However it was not long before his was convinced for HIMSELF, as to where this area belonged in relationship to his life and faith. His curiosity was satisfied and his faith was stronger. If you have not read “A Man Called Peter” I highly recommend that you do.

So don’t despair. Your teen will come back to the values and morals that they were taught as a child, especially if you keep the lines of communication as open as you can, and offer them a LOT of UNCONDITIONAL love. Proverbs 22:6 assures us: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

During this time of development into adulthood:

• Love unconditionally, but be firm when neccesary.
• Seek to understand, not judge.
• Seek to be their friend, but don’t intrude.
• Seek opportunities to enjoy fellowship with them over a meal, coffee and favorite restaurant.
• Take an interest in the things they are interested in.

Do these things now, and throughout their life and you WILL be able to enjoy a successful relationship with your sons and daughters.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the sixth tip that was named is:

Don’t Ignore Your Teenager.
Two major keys to any successful relationship is love and communication. One expression of love is to show a genuine desire to communicate with the person.

When both love and communication are present in a relationship any problem can be worked out.

When some parents face difficulties with their teenagers that seem impossible to solve, they tend to take the “easy way out” and simply ignore their teen. I am sure you have heard of the theory “if I ignore it, it will go away”. This is so often the human way of coping with many situations that are difficult to handle.

However, in actual fact ignoring a problem does not solve anything, but rather it allows time for any unresolved emotional reactions to go deeper and fester.

There will be added difficulties if communication difficulties existed with your teenager when he or she was a small child. But be encouraged, it is not impossible to restore your relationship with your teen to become a successful one. It will take some time, patience and a determination to win. But always expect the best, and you WILL win!

• Love is gentle and kind. Be gentle in all your communication. The time to give orders is now over. You may have been able to give orders to your child when he or she was young, but they is now a young adult and will not tolerate being told to do anything. They are much more likely to respond when asked politely if they would do something.
• Love is respectful. Your teenager is now a young adult and deserves the same respect you would give to any of your adult friends.
• Love is considerate of the other person’s needs. Your teenager is finding his own feet in this world, and now has his own agenda. Be considerate of him or her as you would be of a close friend.

  Take some time to chat with your youngster. Talk about some possible family activities coordinating with their timetable. Ask him for suggestions also. You are sure to find your teen much more cooperative and willing to join you when you approach them with consideration.

Here are three suggestions to help you build or rebuild and maintain good communication with your teenager and let them know that you really love them.

Include your teenager in family activities.
Remember to include your teenager when you plan family activities. However invite him or her to participate, don’t order. Make sure you leave them with the freedom of choice.

Remember they are now at the stage of life where they are creating their “own life”. Invite them to participate with you and the rest of the family and they are more likely to reciprocate by inviting you to join them in some of their activities from time to time.

Invite to your teenager dine with the family.
If you already have established the habit of eating together as a family, this will be much easier. In fact it will be most likely be natural that your teenager will continue dine with the family on a regular basis.

If you have not been accustomed to dining together as a family, it is very important that you start a new family dining tradition as many times a week as your schedules will allow.

Remember do not demand they join you for the evening meal. Rather invite them to join you.using phrases such as “we would love to have you here this evening so that we could enjoy a meal together as a family” or “would you like to join us this evening for dinner, it would be great if you could”.

Inspire your teenager at every opportunity.
I have a friend who used to write little inspirational notes and hide them in her children’s lunch boxes or under their pillows when her boys were small. She continued to place notes under their pillows and around the house when they were older.

This is a very effective communication tool if used wisely. It made a lasting on my friend’s two youngsters who have grown up to be fine young husbands and fathers.

Here are some tips to inspire you to use this effective communication tool.

• Make sure that all of the notes you write are inspirational or motivational. Some of the notes could your own comments while others could be quotes from great men and women. When you use quotes, adding a simple comment from you as well may be appropriate.
• Take advantage of this tool to let your teen know how much you love them, believe in them and admire them. Some unexpected personal words of encouragement from you will always go a long way.
• Never use this communication tool as a weapon to try and manipulate or convey any negative message.
• Send a surprise text to their cell phone with a word of encouragement for the day. Again this word of encouragement can be a personal one from you, or a quote. And once again remember, never use texting for any negative communication.

I am sure that a little bit of patience, lots of love and effort to reach out to your teenager will certainly pay off for you.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the fifth tip that was named is:

Don’t Antagonize Your Teenager.
Remember your teenager is going through a lot of changes already and because of this there may be some strange emotions pop up from time to time. There may even be some “out of character” moments as they are trying to find their own feet in this world.

There are three main definitions of the word antagonize found in the dictionary.

1. Provoke hostility.
Each one of us has some “buttons” somewhere. You know, those areas in our lives that someone can inadvertantly touch that causes us to explode or react in some not so normal way. Your teenager also has some very sensitive buttons. His or her buttons will very likely be more even more sensitive because of all the new things they are grappling with.

It may well take you some time and a little “trial and error” to find the right communication that will help you to avoid these buttons that will provoke hostility.

Rememer, patience and love will always win out.

One thing is certain, any unjustified or unreasonable reaction towards your teen may certainly cause hostility. The complication here is the reaction only has to be perceived as unreasonable for the hostility to show up.

What can you do to avoid provoking hostility?

1. Listen first then speak. Listening will help you to discover what your son or daughter is really feeling or going through.
2. Listening will also help you to discover what your teen may be perceiving in the situation you are facing (whether their perception is right or wrong, it is equally important to them). Because you listened you will have a better chance of correcting that wrong perception. (Do this gently).
3. Treat your youngster with the same respect you would any other friend of yours (well I hope you do treat all your friends with respect).

2. Annoy or irritate.
Again, because of the changes your teen is going through there is likely to be some new things that will annoy them. I call them “new things” because they may well be things that your son or daughter tolerated as a child.

Sources of annoyance or irritation could include things like:

• You walk into their room without knocking.
• You still treat them as your “baby”. Hey, they are grown up now, at least they think they are.
• You try to pry into their private lives more than they invite you to.
• There are a whole lot more I am sure you could add. Please share them and other experiences you have with your teenagers below in the comments.

3. Act in opposition.
Your teen needs to know that you are on their side in everything. Of course that will not always mean you always agree with them, but at least you agree to listen and try to understand. This will give you the right to offer suggestions and guidance.

If you try to oppose any decision with arguments or worst still with anger, you will lose them. In fact this can be one of the quickest ways to lose them.

The longest way is usually the right way. Trying to take shortcuts especially in any relationship is probably going to get you into trouble.

Shortcuts would definitely include arguing and anything else that is designed to try and force an issue. Force will never get you anywhere but into trouble.

Any communication which includes force, arguing, demanding, anger, resentment and a whole host of other negative emotions will always end with a worse situation than you started with. Of course you don’t want to do that.

Some keys to good communication are:

• Be gentle – no trying to force or demand an answer.
• Be patient – wait until they are ready to talk.
• Be respectful – your teenager deserves the same respect you would show to all your friends and other members of your family.
• Be kind – a little kindness can go a long way in all of our communications
• Be loving – above all, love never fails.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

There are many kinds of love, but each one of them will only last is they include the greatest love of all – Agape Love.

Agape love loves even if it is not loved in return.
Agape love gives if it does not receive anything back.
Agape love does not give up.
Agape love never fails.

Add this kind of love to the love you have for all those around you and your life will change drastically!

Thanks to abhishekkumardavid on YouTube

May the Message of Easter be Real in Your Life, and
May All Your Relationships be Successful!

(In fact see what Dr Wagner shared in his comment here: “give lots of hugs. Our twins would come and hug us immediately after we disciplined them. That’s a Message!.” (You can find Dr Wagner on Twitter at http://twitter.com/moneyinmarriage).

My answer to Dr Wagner’s comment: “absolutely!”

In fact love is the key ingredient for all Successful Relationships.

However, there is a misconception of what love really is and one of the places where this illusion is found is in the relationships between parents and children.

There are several things that love is not, and each of them are so important that we will take at look at them one at a time.

If you find yourself in any or many of these categories and scenarios, don’t worry, once you confront a fault and admit it you have made a major step towards changing it.

Love Is Not Manipulative!

Contrary to some opinions and concepts, your children are not actually yours as in owning them. No, you do not own them! .

Full responsibility – no ownership.
They are your responsibility to train and guide for this world AND for eternity, but they are not yours to control.

One of the traps that many parents fall into in this area is very subtle.

Many from past generations resolve to make sure the present generation does not have to suffer once they become parents.

A Trap for Parents
One classic example of this trap: Mum or Dad wanted to be a doctor when they were growing up. However family finances or other circumstances of life were difficult and they allowed these things to stop them from pursuing this dream.

(The development of the awareness of the importance of the right mindset in achieving success is relatively recent, so many of the past generations grew up thinking that they were somehow “cheated” out of their dreams by life or destiny. However its never too late to change your mindset).

So they grow up with a strong resolution concerning their own children:

• My children WILL have what I could not have, they will NOT suffer as I had to, is their affirmation.

In one way this is a noble commitment yet in another way it can be a dangerous one. What if little Johnny does not want to be a doctor?

Result? Johnny spends a frustrated life trying to live his parents dream instead of his own. (How many lives are being lived in this way? I have met some!) His parents have not meant to manipulate his life, but that is exactly what they ended up doing.

Yes the word “manipulate” is a strong one, but sadly it is possible to manipulate the lives of our children even unconsciously, as this example illustrates.

Note: Incredibly, I completed this post, turned on the TV to see a movie playing: Ice Princess

What is it about? A mother trying to fulfill her dream through her daugher!

• Are YOU living YOUR dream or someone else’s vision for your life?
• Are YOUR children being trained and guided to live THEIR dream or yours?

Train your children to discover and develop THEIR dream and follow it! Here’s how you can do that:

1. Realize and accept that your child is born with his OWN destiny and his OWN dreams.
2. Observe his/her interests and talents and give your child all the opportunities within your power to develop them.
3. Encourage him/her in their areas of strength and help them to strengthen their weak areas.
4. Recognize that children may want to be an aircraft pilot one day, and a veterinarian the next. That’s ok, they are finding their way.
5. Gently encourage them in their pursuits, but give them room to decide for themselves. Don’t jump to conclusions too early in their lives and start “pushing” them in any one direction.

The KEY WORDS are ENCOURAGE and FREE WILL.

• Gently encourage them in their interests and talents.
• Let them make the decisions (where their interests and what they want to pursue is concerned. Of course there are some daily decisions that parents have to make for their children, depending on their age).
• It is fine to lay before them the pros and cons of situations and the costs and benefits.
• Let them grow up realizing that REAL LIFE has its ups and downs, its failures and its triumphs.
• Teach them to create a successful mindset and they will be champions in whatever they pursue in life!

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

Here’s a living example: (Names changed, but situation is real).
Some good friends of mine in Mexico whom I have known for probably 15 years or so have 2 sons. Both boys of course had the same opportunities, but as in many families, one was a little more rebellious than the other, actually quite a bit more rebellious.

Drastic Measures
Things became so difficult that one day the father stepped in and took some very drastic measures with the rebellious lad. He put him out of the home to fend for himself. Now that seems like more than tough love!

The other son that stayed with his parents was given everything he needed, university education, cars, electronics – you name it, he had it. Sure he was a model son at home. He was usually present when I visited the home, and the conversation was always edifying.

Several Years Later
Now let’s fast forward to 12 yrs later (probably more than 12 yrs later – since I tend to lose track of time

The lad that was brought up in the protection of his home ended up trapped in the web of a seductive young lady whom he finally married and later divorced. When I saw him again a few short years ago while he was visiting his then sick father, I was shocked and saddened to see a very broken young man (he was just in the process of going through the divorce at that time).

The other son ended up with a great job, great wife and extremely polite children. I was astonished the first time I was greeted by a young lady, just 6 years old inviting me to sit down and then asking if I would like a cup of coffee when I visited her grandparents home.

Now, there is no question about it, the younger son loves his parents and visits them now and again (when he has time). He does care for them.

Guess Which Son Is The Most Caring Now They Are Both Grown?
However guess which son is ALWAYS there for his parents when they need something, highly respects them and shows a very caring attitude towards them?

Yes, it was so noticeable when the father took ill, that one day while visiting their home during Juan’s recovery I mentioned it. I asked him “which of the two is more attentive to you today?”

Which of the two do you think was named when I asked this question?

Does tough love pay off?

The problem in this “I want it NOW” age of today is that we tend to look for a short term fix, and often ignore the long term affects.

Of course the application of tough love will vary according to the situation and personalities involved. It may not always need to be applied in such a drastic way.

Above all it MUST be applied with GENUINE love (never desperation), as with all disciplinary measures.

LOVE is the key! Even when love must be tough, it must be genuine LOVE.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!