If you find that when your son or daughter enters teenage years your relationship with them starts to change do not be concerned. This is a new phase of their life. As a child, they may have been willing to follow your ways, your standards and your beliefs.

However now they are entering a stage of life where they will decide on and define their own beliefs, standards and ways. Some of their decisions may conflict with your perspectives, but do not be concerned. If you trained them well as a child your influence in their lives will always be there to guide them.

With the help of some young friends, I have put together a series of tips designed to help you maintain a successful relationship with your teen during these restless years and on into their adulthood.

Teenage Years, Fun or Frenzy?

We started with looking at:

Eight things you can DO to help build and maintain the relationship between you as a parent and your teen.

One of these 8 tips was:
Do discuss issues with your teen. Now I am not talking about a heated discussion, but a good discussion over a cup of coffee or an ice cream. You may of course carefully point out the consequences of the issue in question, but the final decision will be theirs. Don’t ever try to control that.

What if they make the wrong decision? This is where unconditional love comes into the picture. You will always be there to support and love no matter what happens.

Now this does not mean you have to “bail them out”. No, let them pay the consequences (this is how they will learn), but always be there to support.

Dining together as a family was another tip that my friends thought to be important. The family dinner table can be a great place to share and strengthen family bonds.

You can find more about the first 4 tips (listed below), by clicking here.

• Do discuss.
• Do point out the consequences.
• Do allow choices.
• Do dine together as a family
  (Click on the link above or here to read more).

More about the second 4 tips (listed below) can be found here:

• Do trust them (this is very important)
• Do restrain (with wisdom)
• Do involve them in the family activities (they have not left home yet)
• Do continue to believe the best (this is also VERY important.
  Click on the link above or here to read more.)

Teenage Years – Parents Adventure or Nightmare?

This depends greatly on your relationship with your teenager.

Here is a list of things to avoid doing in order to maintain a successful relationship with your teen.

You can click on the links to read the complete post about the respective topic.

Don’t Argue

Don’t Threaten Your Teenager

Don’t Punish Us, My Teenage Friends Say

Don’t Smother Your Teenager

Don’t Antagonize Your Teenager
Here I take a look at three definitions of the word “antagonize, and apply them to your relationship with your teen.

Don’t Ignore Your Teenager
(This can be a major temptation when things get difficult.)

Don’t Give Up On Your Teenager

I trust these tips will help you with your relationship with your teen. I look forward to hearing about your experiences and recommendations that will help to build a successful relationship with our teenagers.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

These tips were either suggested or approved by my teenage friends, and the sixth tip that was named is:

Don’t Ignore Your Teenager.
Two major keys to any successful relationship is love and communication. One expression of love is to show a genuine desire to communicate with the person.

When both love and communication are present in a relationship any problem can be worked out.

When some parents face difficulties with their teenagers that seem impossible to solve, they tend to take the “easy way out” and simply ignore their teen. I am sure you have heard of the theory “if I ignore it, it will go away”. This is so often the human way of coping with many situations that are difficult to handle.

However, in actual fact ignoring a problem does not solve anything, but rather it allows time for any unresolved emotional reactions to go deeper and fester.

There will be added difficulties if communication difficulties existed with your teenager when he or she was a small child. But be encouraged, it is not impossible to restore your relationship with your teen to become a successful one. It will take some time, patience and a determination to win. But always expect the best, and you WILL win!

• Love is gentle and kind. Be gentle in all your communication. The time to give orders is now over. You may have been able to give orders to your child when he or she was young, but they is now a young adult and will not tolerate being told to do anything. They are much more likely to respond when asked politely if they would do something.
• Love is respectful. Your teenager is now a young adult and deserves the same respect you would give to any of your adult friends.
• Love is considerate of the other person’s needs. Your teenager is finding his own feet in this world, and now has his own agenda. Be considerate of him or her as you would be of a close friend.

  Take some time to chat with your youngster. Talk about some possible family activities coordinating with their timetable. Ask him for suggestions also. You are sure to find your teen much more cooperative and willing to join you when you approach them with consideration.

Here are three suggestions to help you build or rebuild and maintain good communication with your teenager and let them know that you really love them.

Include your teenager in family activities.
Remember to include your teenager when you plan family activities. However invite him or her to participate, don’t order. Make sure you leave them with the freedom of choice.

Remember they are now at the stage of life where they are creating their “own life”. Invite them to participate with you and the rest of the family and they are more likely to reciprocate by inviting you to join them in some of their activities from time to time.

Invite to your teenager dine with the family.
If you already have established the habit of eating together as a family, this will be much easier. In fact it will be most likely be natural that your teenager will continue dine with the family on a regular basis.

If you have not been accustomed to dining together as a family, it is very important that you start a new family dining tradition as many times a week as your schedules will allow.

Remember do not demand they join you for the evening meal. Rather invite them to join you.using phrases such as “we would love to have you here this evening so that we could enjoy a meal together as a family” or “would you like to join us this evening for dinner, it would be great if you could”.

Inspire your teenager at every opportunity.
I have a friend who used to write little inspirational notes and hide them in her children’s lunch boxes or under their pillows when her boys were small. She continued to place notes under their pillows and around the house when they were older.

This is a very effective communication tool if used wisely. It made a lasting on my friend’s two youngsters who have grown up to be fine young husbands and fathers.

Here are some tips to inspire you to use this effective communication tool.

• Make sure that all of the notes you write are inspirational or motivational. Some of the notes could your own comments while others could be quotes from great men and women. When you use quotes, adding a simple comment from you as well may be appropriate.
• Take advantage of this tool to let your teen know how much you love them, believe in them and admire them. Some unexpected personal words of encouragement from you will always go a long way.
• Never use this communication tool as a weapon to try and manipulate or convey any negative message.
• Send a surprise text to their cell phone with a word of encouragement for the day. Again this word of encouragement can be a personal one from you, or a quote. And once again remember, never use texting for any negative communication.

I am sure that a little bit of patience, lots of love and effort to reach out to your teenager will certainly pay off for you.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The full series Embrace The Fun and Adventure With Your Teenager and Avoid the Frenzy and Nightmare can be found here

We came up with 8 things to do that will help you enjoy a good relationship with your teenager, and 7 things not to do. You can find the 8 things to DO here and here.

Trust, Respect and Love.
First of all, a good relationship with anyone is based on trust, respect (courtesy), and love (the real definition of love that is). Of course relating to your teenager is no exception. All of the things to do and not to do with your teen are based on these basic attributes.

So let’s take a look at some of the things they were saying not to do.

The first thing we should NOT do with our teenagers:

Don’t Argue.

Your teenager is constantly changing. That is normal. Their brain and body is still developing and this changes the way they see things. So it may well be that today their perspective is in one direction and next week they see things in an entirely different light. That is the challenge and thrill of life with a teenager.

Hence it is to be expected that you will not see eye to eye with your teen all of the time. At times it may even seem like you can never agree on anything.

But then, let’s face it, do you see eye to eye with anyone 100 percent of the time. Of course you don’t. Why?

• We are all created differently.
• We all have different ways of thinking.
• We have all walked through different experiences and so have different perspectives on things.
• We are all at different stages of development (yes some of us are still children in adult bodies).
• We all have different strengths and weaknesses of character.

Many parents are often tempted to argue with their teens (and with their younger children).

Why is this? In fact why do we argue at all? Well that is actually another category and we will certainly be addressing this subject in depth on this blog.

The short answer to why you may tend to argue with your teen is:

• You are losing control. (Your teen is growing up and preparing to leave the nest in a few short years. You may be consciously or unconsciously aware of this and a little apprehensive).
• A good relationship is based on releasing each person to be who they really are (not who you want them to be). Do you “need” your teenager to be someone they were not created to be or perhaps not yet capable of being? (Remember your teenager is STILL in the development stage)
• You are insecure and therefore you only surround yourself with people who agree with you. Anyone who disagrees with you is a threat to your security. Your teenager is no longer answering you with a simple “yes” or “no”.
• A good relationship is built on diversity. Opposites attract.

  Your teen now has some ideas of his or her own that conflict with your ideals.

  Actually these ideas are not new. They have been developing throughout all of their childhood. It is just that now they are entering adulthood they are perhaps daring to express them.

• A good relationship is built on trust. Trust is one of the bridges that opens up good communication. Trust needs to be built in the family from day one. However it is never too late to start building.
• You are afraid they will get hurt or get in with the wrong group. (Perhaps they are already “hanging out” with the wrong group and so you are trying to protect them).

  Again a good relationship is based on trust. Fear destroys trust.

• Perhaps your teenager has made a declaration or statement that threatened you, brought fear to your heart or even hurt you, Even so arguing with them is not going to help. It will only create a barrier between you or widen an already existing barrier.

So what can you do when you hear something coming from your teenager that causes you fear, hurt or is a threat to you in some way?

1. First of all – Act, never react.
2. When you feel the urge to argue, stop, take a deep breath and THINK.
3. Calmly discuss the situation. When you take time to discuss a situation or incident, you are showing that you care for THEM. When you simply argue over the situation, you are showing that YOU and YOUR ideas and feelings matter more than anything or anyone else.
4. Calmly point out the consequences (if you feel or see there may be some negative outcomes).
5. When the discussion is over, RELEASE your teenager to make his or her own decision.

** Be prepared to support (NOT judge) if the outcome of their decision is negative.

** Make sure you also praise when the outcome is positive.

Have fun with your teen. Enjoy these years – they won’t be repeated (with this child anyway) and above all –

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

Of course a lot of these principles can also be applied to your relationship with your younger children as well.

I know you have a lot to add to this article from your own experience. Please let us hear from you! Thanks!

Here are four tips that will help you avoid the frenzy and enjoy the fun.

1. Do trust your young adults.
I had to laugh at the comment I received on this one. “Do trust your teenager, but don’t forget he/she is still just 16 years old”.

Although it came across as a little funny, this comment carries excellent wisdom. In other words do not let them have the upper hand.

2. Do restrain
Here is where you as a parent are also following a learning curve. The trick is to allow freedom, yet with some restraint.

One definite time to restrain would be when there is potential harm, or life changing consequences of a decision your teen is about to make.

And do check up on them.

I asked my young friend’s opinion on parents calling a friend’s home to make sure their teenagers really did go to visit “Johnny”. The answer actually surprised me. It was a definite “YES”, parents should definitely check up on their teens.

3. Do involve.
Your teen may be a little more independent than they were a few years ago, but he/she is still a part of your family. As a young adult, they should now be even more able to participate in family discussions, and even contribute to the solving of some family problems.

Note: I did NOT say, “contribute to the solving of any marital problems” Children should NEVER be dragged into marital disputes.

Above all:

4. Do continue to believe the best of your teen.
Love believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love never fails. This comes from the famous chapter in the Bible that best describes what love is, 1 Corinthians 13.

Your teenager WILL respond to your guidance much better if he/she senses that you DO believe in him/her. This is vital and will greatly contribute to your enjoying a successful relationship with your teen.

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

I know you have a lot to share – please let us hear from you below. Thanks!