Most of them were unaware that they were holding grudges and here’s why. This is a true story:

There are several young folk (well they have grown a bit over the past years who look to me as a spiritual mother. I met them all when they were in their teens, and most come from a very broken or difficult home background.

One young man lost his father to a drunken brawl when he was about 7 years old. His mother did her best to provide for Juan and his brother and sister but in order to do that it meant she was not at home as often as the young children needed her to be.

Of course her absence in the home was noticeable, and when she did come home she was tired and often irritable  because she was over stressed. However all three children had the opportunity to study for a good career and in this area they lacked nothing.

But there is no substitute for a missing mother in the home. Children all feel it one way or another. Juan was no exception. This young man known as “Juanito” (little John) is over 6ft tall and looked healthy enough, yet he could not hold his hands steady as he stretched them out. He had consulted a doctor and was on medication, yet there was no clue as to what was wrong with him.

We were standing out on the street talking one afternoon after a meeting and he began to share with me some things about his childhood and his father. As we conversed I asked him: “Have you forgiven your mother?”

He looked at me in horror and said: “I have nothing against my mother. She did her best.”

Ah ha — here was the clue!

“She did her best” – What does that tell you?

Yes – he was EXCUSING -his mother, not FORGIVING her. There is a huge difference.

He kept saying things like:
She did her best.
I understand she was going through a lot too.
She had to support us and that meant she had to work hard.

All of these comments showed me he was excusing his mother for the pain he felt (which obviously was caused by the lack of his mother’s attention and affection when he was little).

I said to him – “That’s not the point. The point is not how your mother handled the situation. The point is how YOU handled it, and you felt her absence and THAT is what you need to forgive whether it was her fault or not”.

Forgiveness is NOT about who’s fault it was or is.

Forgiveness is all about “I felt hurt by this situation or this person” (whether being hurt was justifiable or not), and that is what I need to forgive.

• Do YOU have similar experiences hidden away in your heart that are still affecting you today?
  
• Are you aware of hurts you can’t get rid of (even vaguely aware of them).
  
• Have you thought that because a certain situation was no one’s fault the only way to deal with it was to try and put it out of your mind?
  
• Now is the time to face these hurts, forgive the person(s) involved whether it was their fault or not.
  

When Juan realized that he actually needed to forgive his mother (not excuse her), his health took an abrupt turn for the better! It was not long before he was off of medication and returning to the healthy and vibrant young man I knew he could be.

Today he is and his wife are proud parents of three lovely children (mm the oldest now a teenager), and also a very successful pastor of a growing church! (Yep I am proud of him).

This was all possible because he was able to face his hurts and forgive not excuse the one who offended him.

Now its your turn! Do you have someone in your life you may need to forgive? Today is the day!

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

Do you believe them? That’s a good question! I am not sure I do. No human being is perfect. We all make mistakes at some time or another. In a tense moment we are all capable of doing and saying things we may regret later.

So my conclusion is, we ALL need to learn to forgive because there WILL be a time (or times) in our lives when we need to exercise this grace no matter how perfect the relationship.

Forgiveness in a way goes hand in hand with trust. We can really only trust if we are prepared to forgive when the imperfections of human nature show up.

The Burden Of Unforgiveness

There are few burdens heavier to carry than the burden of being unforgiving.

When we talk about carrying a grudge against someone, the word “carry” is very apt. That is exactly what we are doing. We are literally dragging the person in question along with us throughout life.

They are not neccesarily affected in any way but we are. It is our life we are destroying, not theirs. How come?

The Poison Of Unforgiveness

Well, every time we encounter this person or something that reminds us of them, up pop the memories of the situation that caused the original hurts and the mental drama begins again.

We relive the situation visualizing and dramatizing all we would like to say and do to that person (if it were legal). How negative is that? How much poison are we injecting into our own bodies by allowing such thoughts to predominate in our minds?

Even if it this happens for just a few minutes before we are able to control our thoughts, a few more drops of poison have managed to escape into our subconscious minds and bodies. What a burden to carry!

Getting Rid of the Burden of Unforgiveness

So how do we get rid of this burden? The answer is simple, in one word: Forgive.

One moment, you may be saying, you don’t understand. What they did was totally unjust, a real betrayal, and on it goes.

Believe me I have heard a lot of it (perhaps not all, but almost all), after years of working with families who found themselves in all kinds of incredible situations.

The answer is still found in the same simple word: Forgive.

Before you shut down on me, or get angry, let’s explore what “forgiveness” really means and why some people find it so hard to forgive.

To forgive is often confused with having to trust again. The two words are not the same.

To Forgive or Not To Forgive – You Decide.

First our lives are best led by our decisions (our will), not by our emotions. When we decide not to forgive, we invite a whole army of negative emotions to stay resident in our lives.

When we decide to forgive, we shut the door to this army of emotions and invite peace and tranquility into our lives, which will produce many other positive results.

Your health and the health of your relationships and your loved ones depends on YOUR decision.

What is your decision today?

May All Your Relationships be Successful!

The Real Issue

We need to understand that the real issue is not what happened to us, or what the person or group of people did to us, but rather what we did with the situation. Did the situation make us bitter or better?

We do not always have control over what happens to us, but we DO have control over how we react to events no matter how painful they may be.

Who Is In Control?

In effect, we need to ask ourselves, are we in control of what happened to us (even though it may have happened years ago) or is it still controlling us today?

When we forgive, we release that person and the situation. We decide we will no longer carry it or allow it to affect our present life. We no longer allow ourselves to think about the event or the person in a negative way.

The Decision Is Yours!

To forgive or not to forgive that is the question. Both are DECISIONS, not feelings. And they are decisions that affect OUR lives not the lives of the person or persons against whom we carry the grudge.

In Summary

• First: We need to realize that our lives need to be led by our will (decisions) not by our emotions.
  
• Second: We need to face the fact that we DO have control over how we reacted and continue to react against the situation. Therefore we have control over how the event and people involved continue to affect us.
  
• Third: we need to understand that to forgive is a decision not a feeling. It means letting go of the situation and forgetting it, but does not necessarily mean trusting again.
  
• Fourth: We decide to forgive and release the situation and person(s) from our minds and our emotions.
  
• Fifth: We need leave the past where it is (in the past) and focus on enjoying the present.
  

Note: If the person(s) whom we forgave is/are still in your present, then you need to decide on the level of trust you can offer them and let them earn it.

This is going to involve some work on your part and will mean maintaining a good attitude when you are around them. But remember it is YOUR health that is at stake, not theirs.

Check List:

• Is my life controlled by my emotions, or does my will have its rightful place?
  
• Have I taken the responsibility for the things I DO have control over?
  
• Do I understand that forgive is a decision, not a feeling?
  
• Have I discovered I am still carrying people from my past, and have I decided to forgive them and release them from my emotions so they cannot continue to affect my present?<
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• Have I managed to shake off the past and forget the situations leaving myself free to enjoy the present?
  

May All Your Relationships be Successful!